We know you've had a long, hard haul to get to these hallowed halls, what with kissing babies, shaking hands, making promises and collecting millions in PAC money and slush funds. We'll try to make your introduction to lawmaking as easy as possible, but there are some fundamental rules that need to be followed and we have some suggestions that will ease your transition from campaigning reformer to contented toady. We can promise you that if you follow through on the below items you'll probably be reelected as many times as you want -- or can stand.
- An effective legislator never shows his or her face before noon. Remember, CNN is broadcasting this stuff and we want you to look well-rested and confident when your face might be on the camera. Being wined and dined by lobbyists until the wee hours is pleasant and is certainly expected, but don't let the public see that hangover or they'll jump to the conclusion that you've caved in and sold out long before our spin doctors can spread the word that you're simply tuckered out from burning the midnight oil on behalf of an organic farming bill.
- Don't send any Emails. Ever. Have your secretaries and interns take care of it. Anything of a personal and private nature you have to communicate with someone should be whispered in their ear on a busy street corner, preferably with a John Phillip Sousa march blaring in the background.
- It is not required that you kneel before Ted Kennedy anytime he passes. A simple tug at your forelock will do.
- Stay away from David Letterman until at least your second term in office. By then you'll have a stable of writers better than his.
- Dress conservatively. Hippie and yippie and preppie attire worked out on the campaign trail, we know, but you're in the Big League now. Our tailors will see that you have nothing but dark hues and dull neckties or necklaces. You have to blend in with the enemy in order to avoid notice by Rush Limbaugh or O'Reilly.
- Do get on Larry King as quickly as possible. We've had him in our pocket for ages. He's knows all the right questions to ask and has perfected a great technique for asking 'hard' questions --he poses something embarassing and then immediately cuts to a commercial so you are never seen floundering around like a beached whale.
- No gum chewing.
- No smoking, except on golf courses.
- Spouses and children are encouraged to move to Washington; it'll give you that much more motivation to go on fact-finding trips to Bangkok and Acapulco.
- Your committee assignments are decided by bankbook. VISA is accepted for all minor transactions under a hundred dollars. Otherwise it's cash on the barrelhead, baby.
- You will be assigned a Hollywood star during your first month in office. Make sure you get to know him or her well; at fundraisers they bring in more money than a lapdancer -- and we provide those, too.
- You will be expected to enter rehab before your picture is on the front cover of National Enquirer, not after.
- Should you find a naked, grubby man sleeping on the sofa in your office do not call Capitol security -- it's just Bill Clinton.
- It's up to you to find your own lesbian black woman who is blind and was left homeless by Hurricane Katrina -- we've run out of 'em around here.
- And finally, no, we can't tell you yet who will be the Democratic presidential candidate in 2008. We're working on the DNA of JFK taken from an old dress of Marilyn Monroe's, but getting it grown and prepared in under two years is no picnic. There's a taser in the upper right hand drawer of your desk -- use it if John Kerry or Al Gore stop by asking for support in '08.
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