WE INVADED THE WRONG COUNTRY

Mr. George W. Bush
President of these here United States
Washington, DC December 5, 2006


Dear Georgie;

Long time no see! Maybe you don't even remember me. We were in Skull & Bones back at school. A long time ago, I know. But then maybe you remember that you and I flew a couple of missions together in the National Guard over in 'Nam? Those were the days, hey? Strafing Charlie Cong with napalm all day and loving the ladies all night. Say, I don't mean to be a nag or anything but whatever happened to that Purple Heart you promised me after you got to be prez? I mean, we'd both had a coupla brewskis when you made that promise, but c'mon, man, you can still pull some strings for your old war-time bud, right? Or do you have to run it by Old Man Cheney? Some buzzkill, huh?
Me, I don't put much stock in those stories that you're the Charlie McCarthy to his Edgar Bergen. You always were your own man, man. But they say politics is stranger than fiction, so I dunno. If it's too much hassle to get me the PH how about a snug little job counting bricks or somethin' when you're putting up that wall down south? I'm kinda strapped for cash right now, know what I mean? I've been workin' in the old factory for a month of Sundays now and they say the place is closing down soon . . . something about all the jobs going to India or Burma or Timbuctu. So I could sure use some steady bucks to tide me over; the ex is howling for all that back child support and you know how that goes . . . a man can't scrape together an honest dollar no more without some bimbo wanting to grab the biggest piece of it. I guess me and women are kinda like you and Congress -- pay lip service to 'em but watch your back.
But anyhow, that's not the real reason I wanted to write to you, Georgie old pal. The real reason is because me and a coupla of the guys were knockin' a few back at the Yeller Tap the other night and got to talking about this Iraq thing. You know, all of our guys over there gettin' their head and legs blown off by those crazy moslem dudes. Bad scene. Real bad. Now we understand why you had to send us, the good guys, into that hellhole to knock the crap out of those bad guys. They were cruisin' for a bruisin'. But hey, now that they've learned their lesson we should get the heck out of there and invade some place better.
Dude, you gotta admit that fooling around in a hot, dirty desert loses its appeal after about a half hour. And there's no lovely ladies to spend the long evenings with like we had back in 'Nam. So the guys and I are thinkin' that our troops need a break from all that crap.
We're thinkin', see, that of course you gotta invade some country or other just to keep the public off balance and distracted from domestic thingies, like Social Security, that aren't goin' too well for you. We got your back on that, cousin. The military needs to flex its muscles somewhere, right? Right!
So anyway the guys and I are thinkin' wouldn't it be way cooler to invade some place like France. For one thing, it's closer. For another, they got good grub there. Our soldiers wouldn't have to eat crickets and drink canal water like they do in Iraq. Nope, instead they could be feasting on frog legs and patty de fwa grass and chugging that famous French wine. And get this, one of the guys at the Yeller Tap -- and he should know cuz he went to the local community college for a whole two semesters --one of the guys says that France does have weapons of mass communication or whatever the crap it is that you used as an excuse to go into Iraq. We've got the goods on them, man, so we don't have to hassle with the United Nations. We can just say hey baby here's a country that can kill off a lot of Americans and we're not going to stand for it so bombs away and Next Stop Paris. Be honest, Georgie boy, wouldn't you rather let our guys go nuts and tear down the Eiffel Tower while the Frenchies just stand by picking their noses? There's no religion in France, so there won't be any of those crazy religious suicide bombers to mess things up. The French are pussies; they won't lift a finger against us when we come marching in. We take over for six months, make them hold some kind of election, and then get out with plenty of loot from the Louvre and all the vino we can handle. Maybe our boys in the intelligence unit can even crack that DaVinci Code thing while they're there; I hear tell it's a real humdinger. Purple Hearts for eveyone all around (not forgetting yours truly) and we can bring the boys and girls back home and get 'em ready to invade another country like, say, Norway. Lots of oil money up that way, so sez the community college guy. And the skiing is fantastic. Our troops surely need a little R & R after rushing ramrod over those evil Frenchies. Besides, those Nordic girls are bound to be a pushover for our studly soldiers. (Just between you and me, Georgie -- if you decide to go into Norway better invest in some Kodak stock beforehand cuz I'm tellin' ya all our troops are gonna want to get pictures of that place, what with the Fords and the mountains and stuff and they'll want a million of those handy disposable cameras-- you'll make a killing, sure as rain!)
Just think about it, that's all we're askin' ya to do. Okay? And if that old crab Cheney wants to put a lid on it why all you gotta do is wait until he's in the hospital for a hair transplant or something and put it over real quick-like. By the time he gets out it will be a fate accomplice (that's French, by the way).
And don't you worry, Georgie boy, the American people will back you one-thousand percent if you do invade France. We took a pole here at the Yeller Tap and nobody but the bartender even knows where exactly France is. You can get away with it, I'm tellin' ya. And the best part is once we're in France all those crummy Democrats that have been snapping at your heels will just have to go over and have a look-see for themselves. Chances are they'll get liquored up in some brothel and never come back. So you kill two birds with one stone.
Give it a chance. That's all we're askin'. Give it a chance. And let us know if you are goin' to do it, cuz we'd like to all join up again to get in on the action. Nuff said, bro . . .